NUGGET 7: SCREENING FAMILY BACKGROUNDS: 17th July 2011.
This nugget helped me realize the reason I at times behave the way I do. Let me not preempt. We are talking about your partner's family background.
- This is where we check/ look for signs indicating that your partner's background has been unhealthy, warped, dysfunctional family.
- If one or both of you have been raised in a dysfunctional families, it doesn't disqualify you from marriage, but you must make sure that the impact of your upbringing in that family has been recognized and worked through. WHY? Because dysfunctional families breed dysfunctional families. Have evidence that you are free(through psychological counseling).
- In marriage, whether you like it or not, you don't marry merely an individual, you marry the entire family. Get to know to your partners family members, learn about them as much as you can at the earliest juncture as possible.
- Getting into a marital relationship with somebody, who has a very controlling parent can be a major problem for a marriage. That is when in-laws become out-laws.
- The old saying is true in marriage:"In every marriage, there are 6 people, the wife, husband and 2 parents from each side-even if they are deceased.
- When anything threatens your relationship with your family, you automatically recoil. If your partner says something critical about your relatives, you are personally offended.
- 3 things you can do to help determine whether your relationship can withstand the pressures exerted by your family backgrounds:
i) Study your potential partner's family- ask to see old photographs, college and secondary yearbooks, family wedding albums, or anything else that will provide clues to your partner's family background. Ask questions on parents' past history, past occupation, religion,wealth levels etc.
ii) Share your feelings about each others family honestly but sensitively- never criticize your partner's family members to him or her. Rarely will anything constructive come from your critical comments. We tend to defend our family members.
iii) Show both of your families that you care about them. equal treatment of both families is appreciated.
- Invite your family's opinions- the flip side to what you see in your partner's family is what your family sees in you and your partner's relationship.
- When your family doesn't approve of the person you are considering for a serious relationship, do not bar them from expressing their feelings: But make the final decision (the choice is yours).They may have seem something that needs to be addressed in your partner before you commit to this relationship(investigate their view).
- A good decision about a marriage partner is one that is good today, a month from now, ten years from now, and even after your 25th and 50th anniversary.
- If you are walking down the aisle at your wedding and you suddenly realize, "this isn't right for me, STOP! Before you take your vows you are totally free.
N/B. We are through with the 7 screening dimensions. Tomorrow we focus on the core personal dimensions: NUGGET 8: INTELLECT
YOU ARE BLESSED
SAYS
KIAGO
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
UNDERSATNDING ABOUT FAMILY
NUGGET 6: RAISING FAMILIES- 16th July 2011
Halfway their 1st date, Milly and Ezekiel, discovered something. They had been enjoying themselves until Ezekiel made Milly uncomfortable when he uttered this words,"I don't think I can handle children. I don't ever want to have children!"
Milly wasn't sure she understood what he meant. So she asked him, "what did you mean by that?". Ezekiel responded that he was 37 years old and extremely career-oriented and would not see children fitting in his life. Though Ezekiel wanted to get married, he never had and place for children. He never wanted his life to be interrupted by children.
After their date that evening Milly confessed to Ezekiel that she had a desire to raise children in her life and that their relationship was over. This shocked Ezekiel but he had nothing much to do. Milly's decision illustrates a very important principle: "The truth is always friendlier that anything less than the truth"
- Choosing the right person to marry is already a large enough decision. When you want to add the possibility of bringing children into the world, you definitely want to make sure are are both on the same page. The sheer constancy of parenting requires a deep, strong, lasting commitment between a husband and a wife. That's why it is absolutely crucial for you to discuss in detail the idea of having children, will all ramifications, before you get involved in a serious dating relationship that could potential lead to marriage.
- If one person has a strong desire to have children and the other has little to no desire for kids, you may have a great friendship, but please do not get married, regardless of the number of other dimensions in which you may match.
- The number of children should also be discussed, if you can't agree, it will always bring crisis in your marriage. Parenting styles should also be considered, issues of infertility, adoption, acceptable methods of discipline should be clarified, agreed upon before you are married.
- Care should also be taken when you are considering a relationship in which you may be a step parent to your child .
- Ask yourself this questions:
i)Do I really want a baby with this person?
If you are still unclear about what is at stake, ask yourself,
ii) Do I really want to have a teenager with this person?
Having children is rarely the sole cause of marital problems; the pressures of having a baby and raising a family simply exacerbate whatever is already happening in the relationship, positively or negatively. if there are fissures and cracks in the relationship, the additional stress of raising kids will break them wide open. Its naive to think that your relationship with your partner won't change when you have kids. it will and you should expect that. The attention you have been giving each other changes drastically.
- N/B most of us have a tendency to be selfish, even in a well-matched, mutually satisfying relationship. YET NOTHING IN LIFE WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO SURRENDER YOUR RIGHTS IN SACRIFICIAL LOVE MORE THAN HAVING CHILDREN.If you or your partner is not up to that kind of sacrifice, you should reconsider the issue of having a family.
- After your spouse, your children should be number one relationship in life.
- If life was a tennis game, having children would be break point...but it is also advantage:love.
Halfway their 1st date, Milly and Ezekiel, discovered something. They had been enjoying themselves until Ezekiel made Milly uncomfortable when he uttered this words,"I don't think I can handle children. I don't ever want to have children!"
Milly wasn't sure she understood what he meant. So she asked him, "what did you mean by that?". Ezekiel responded that he was 37 years old and extremely career-oriented and would not see children fitting in his life. Though Ezekiel wanted to get married, he never had and place for children. He never wanted his life to be interrupted by children.
After their date that evening Milly confessed to Ezekiel that she had a desire to raise children in her life and that their relationship was over. This shocked Ezekiel but he had nothing much to do. Milly's decision illustrates a very important principle: "The truth is always friendlier that anything less than the truth"
- Choosing the right person to marry is already a large enough decision. When you want to add the possibility of bringing children into the world, you definitely want to make sure are are both on the same page. The sheer constancy of parenting requires a deep, strong, lasting commitment between a husband and a wife. That's why it is absolutely crucial for you to discuss in detail the idea of having children, will all ramifications, before you get involved in a serious dating relationship that could potential lead to marriage.
- If one person has a strong desire to have children and the other has little to no desire for kids, you may have a great friendship, but please do not get married, regardless of the number of other dimensions in which you may match.
- The number of children should also be discussed, if you can't agree, it will always bring crisis in your marriage. Parenting styles should also be considered, issues of infertility, adoption, acceptable methods of discipline should be clarified, agreed upon before you are married.
- Care should also be taken when you are considering a relationship in which you may be a step parent to your child .
- Ask yourself this questions:
i)Do I really want a baby with this person?
If you are still unclear about what is at stake, ask yourself,
ii) Do I really want to have a teenager with this person?
Having children is rarely the sole cause of marital problems; the pressures of having a baby and raising a family simply exacerbate whatever is already happening in the relationship, positively or negatively. if there are fissures and cracks in the relationship, the additional stress of raising kids will break them wide open. Its naive to think that your relationship with your partner won't change when you have kids. it will and you should expect that. The attention you have been giving each other changes drastically.
- N/B most of us have a tendency to be selfish, even in a well-matched, mutually satisfying relationship. YET NOTHING IN LIFE WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO SURRENDER YOUR RIGHTS IN SACRIFICIAL LOVE MORE THAN HAVING CHILDREN.If you or your partner is not up to that kind of sacrifice, you should reconsider the issue of having a family.
- After your spouse, your children should be number one relationship in life.
- If life was a tennis game, having children would be break point...but it is also advantage:love.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
OBSTREPEROUSNESS
NUGGET 5: OBSTREPEROUSNESS 15th July 2011.
This term seems complicated, I had to visit a medical journal to find its meaning only to realize that it is a word that has a very simple meaning.
- Obstreperousness is a word used to describe a person who is Harsh,Critical, Unappreciative, Difficult to Please, and Never satisfied. You don't want to be married to an obstreperous person, no matter how much money he or she has or how great a lover he/she may be.
- These kinds of persons will drain you of every ounce of energy you have and will make life a living hell.
- The colloquial meaning for obstreperousness is similar to that of someone feeling extremely uncomfortable within himself. She is miserable and no matter what you do, or how hard you try you cannot make him happy.
- These kinds of persons are quick to find fault(usually in somebody else) and quick to attribute blame and try to instill guilt. He/she is obsessed with proving the other person wrong and himself right. He/she is negative in her basic attitudes attitude towards life. e. g. you look at a beautiful sunrise and say, "What a gorgeous day!". The obstreperous person looks at the same scene and says, "Yes, but its raining...somewhere!"
- we all know people who are negative, dour, and sour, filled with self-pity or dragging around a victim's mentality, and basically not whole lot of fun to be around.
- Most of these people are quite skilled in subtle trickery when it comes to masking their inner selves in the early stages of personal relationships. They can be quite cooperative and friendly, but don't be fooled.
- They don't know where they want to go in life or what they want. If you get very close to them or get more involved with them, the more you realize it is impossible to please such a person.
- These personalities are called borderline disorders. They are torn between 2 points. They rarely make decisions and when they make one they change it within a short time.
- They are in so much personal pain and are so vengeful, they will go after you with everything they can, they will aim for the jugular.
- For further information on this subject read this masterpiece called: "I hate you-Don't leave me" by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus (New york;Avon Books, 1991)
This book sums up the dilemma you will find yourself trapped if you continue a relationship with an obstreperous person.
- Don't TRY TO FIX SUCH A PERSON ,AVOID HIM, UNTIL HE/SHE WILLING TO ADMITS THE PROBLEM AND TAKES A STEP TO RECEIVE HELP IN DEALING WITH IT.
We meet tomorrow to understand about families
I remain Blessed
Kiago
This term seems complicated, I had to visit a medical journal to find its meaning only to realize that it is a word that has a very simple meaning.
- Obstreperousness is a word used to describe a person who is Harsh,Critical, Unappreciative, Difficult to Please, and Never satisfied. You don't want to be married to an obstreperous person, no matter how much money he or she has or how great a lover he/she may be.
- These kinds of persons will drain you of every ounce of energy you have and will make life a living hell.
- The colloquial meaning for obstreperousness is similar to that of someone feeling extremely uncomfortable within himself. She is miserable and no matter what you do, or how hard you try you cannot make him happy.
- These kinds of persons are quick to find fault(usually in somebody else) and quick to attribute blame and try to instill guilt. He/she is obsessed with proving the other person wrong and himself right. He/she is negative in her basic attitudes attitude towards life. e. g. you look at a beautiful sunrise and say, "What a gorgeous day!". The obstreperous person looks at the same scene and says, "Yes, but its raining...somewhere!"
- we all know people who are negative, dour, and sour, filled with self-pity or dragging around a victim's mentality, and basically not whole lot of fun to be around.
- Most of these people are quite skilled in subtle trickery when it comes to masking their inner selves in the early stages of personal relationships. They can be quite cooperative and friendly, but don't be fooled.
- They don't know where they want to go in life or what they want. If you get very close to them or get more involved with them, the more you realize it is impossible to please such a person.
- These personalities are called borderline disorders. They are torn between 2 points. They rarely make decisions and when they make one they change it within a short time.
- They are in so much personal pain and are so vengeful, they will go after you with everything they can, they will aim for the jugular.
- For further information on this subject read this masterpiece called: "I hate you-Don't leave me" by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus (New york;Avon Books, 1991)
This book sums up the dilemma you will find yourself trapped if you continue a relationship with an obstreperous person.
- Don't TRY TO FIX SUCH A PERSON ,AVOID HIM, UNTIL HE/SHE WILLING TO ADMITS THE PROBLEM AND TAKES A STEP TO RECEIVE HELP IN DEALING WITH IT.
We meet tomorrow to understand about families
I remain Blessed
Kiago
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
ANGER MANAGEMENT
NUGGET 4: MANAGEMENT OF ANGER: 14th July 2011
We are in the journey again this time juggling the discords that prevent us from living to our fullest. Anger is okay if managed well. Thank God there are professionals who can help us in managing our anger. Just seek professional counselling. Marriages flourish when this skill is at the peek and collapse if this skill is not developed.
- If you have never gotten angry with one another in a a relationship, or never had a situation where you disagreed adamantly that you really become upset, then you have probably never learnt how to resolve conflicts.
- A good marriage requires/demands that you learn to manage your anger and resolve your conflicts.
- Absence of anger is never a plus in a relationship. At times its as a result of faking/acting. - The wise couple learn to deal with conflicts before they get married.
- Many marriages break every year because the couple do not know how to manage their anger in relation to each other. How a couple handle anger and conflicts can literally make or break the relationship.
HOW NOT TO MANAGE ANGER
- Its good to understand that anger itself is inherently not evil. It is a natural response that can propel persons toward noble goals. Anger can help us to stand up for what is morally right and can cause us to oppose injustice, inequities and oppressive behaviour.
- Anger is different from aggression. Whereas anger is a psychological response to something "wrong", aggression is a destructive response to anger, lashing out in revenge, ridicule, and verbal or physical abuse.
- Handled correctly, anger can be a positive thing. Unfortunately people explode with anger.
- Unbridled anger is expressed through loud yelling, verbal bombshells, pounding a wall or table, face slapping or threats of physical violence. People with these expressions have a problem, they need professional counselling.
- Unresolved anger causes the body's immune system to be weakened, making it more susceptible to attacks.
- There are others who turn their anger inward. They only see what is wrong with life rather than what is right. Thoughts of suicide are common to these people for they feel beaten down and seem to have little hope of seeing change.
- Don't proceed in a relationship if your partner turns anger inward. Let him/her seek first professional help.
- Anger is a secondary emotion. Its a consequence of something else in the relationship. Please try to discover it.
- Do not go to bed before you handle your anger.
- If he/she cannot handle/manage anger, she/he is not ready for the relationship.
Thanks and remain blessed....tomorrow we cover OBSTREPEROUSNESS
I remain
Kiago
We are in the journey again this time juggling the discords that prevent us from living to our fullest. Anger is okay if managed well. Thank God there are professionals who can help us in managing our anger. Just seek professional counselling. Marriages flourish when this skill is at the peek and collapse if this skill is not developed.
- If you have never gotten angry with one another in a a relationship, or never had a situation where you disagreed adamantly that you really become upset, then you have probably never learnt how to resolve conflicts.
- A good marriage requires/demands that you learn to manage your anger and resolve your conflicts.
- Absence of anger is never a plus in a relationship. At times its as a result of faking/acting. - The wise couple learn to deal with conflicts before they get married.
- Many marriages break every year because the couple do not know how to manage their anger in relation to each other. How a couple handle anger and conflicts can literally make or break the relationship.
HOW NOT TO MANAGE ANGER
- Its good to understand that anger itself is inherently not evil. It is a natural response that can propel persons toward noble goals. Anger can help us to stand up for what is morally right and can cause us to oppose injustice, inequities and oppressive behaviour.
- Anger is different from aggression. Whereas anger is a psychological response to something "wrong", aggression is a destructive response to anger, lashing out in revenge, ridicule, and verbal or physical abuse.
- Handled correctly, anger can be a positive thing. Unfortunately people explode with anger.
- Unbridled anger is expressed through loud yelling, verbal bombshells, pounding a wall or table, face slapping or threats of physical violence. People with these expressions have a problem, they need professional counselling.
- Unresolved anger causes the body's immune system to be weakened, making it more susceptible to attacks.
- There are others who turn their anger inward. They only see what is wrong with life rather than what is right. Thoughts of suicide are common to these people for they feel beaten down and seem to have little hope of seeing change.
- Don't proceed in a relationship if your partner turns anger inward. Let him/her seek first professional help.
- Anger is a secondary emotion. Its a consequence of something else in the relationship. Please try to discover it.
- Do not go to bed before you handle your anger.
- If he/she cannot handle/manage anger, she/he is not ready for the relationship.
Thanks and remain blessed....tomorrow we cover OBSTREPEROUSNESS
I remain
Kiago
WATCH OUT FOR RED FLAGS
13th July 2011
NUGGET 3: THE RED FLAGS
Welcome to our today's nugget. Its a nugget that will boost our preparedness to the most dreaded thing:"Marriage" Let's get the ball rolling!!!!!!
Have you ever been by the ocean on a day when the water is rough and choppy, and the undertow is downright dangerous? The lifeguards post red flags all along the beach, warning people to stay out of the water for their own safety. Anyone foolish enough to go in the water when the red flags are flying does so at their own peril.They are just asking for trouble! The lifeguards will continue to fly the flags until the danger has passed and the sea is calm and safe to enjoy again.
- In the realm of relationships, many people ignore the red warning flags, always at their peril, which often involves a partner's pain as well. The red flags may signify the presence of a number of problems, but most often they warn of character disorders, addiction, or neuroses.
- Addiction is: any behavior that negatively affects your health, work, or primary relationships yet you continue to engage in this behavior.
- Many of those seeking relationships do not know that they need someone who is addiction-free if they hope to have a grate marriage.
- Some people drink too much, eat too much, or eat too little: some are addicted to pornography; others are addicted to nicotine, gambling or prescription drugs. Anyone who marries someone who is addicted to anything is asking for trouble.
- If you see any addictions or other serious emotional problems in the person you intend to relate with; these are red fags. Give it at least an year before you reconsider the relationship so that the red flag can be cured. An alcoholic life is usually in grave danger for a lifetime. Let the addict learn to live an addiction-free life on his/her own, not depending on you. All addictions take time to cure, so don't rush the process.
- Addicts become skilled liars and develop intricate webs of deceit to cover their addictive behavior. Any addict must go through professional counseling .
- A neurotic is a person who suffers excessive anxiety that causes him/her to be incapable of handling the everyday challenges and frustrations of life. When anxiety is too high, he or she easily becomes depressed.
- When a person feels threatened by everyday events or problems the response is often to avoid them, or run from the problem rather than facing them. This leads to more problems. Many times depression is the result of insecurity, anger, guilt, shame, or an experience of loss.
- Many divorced individuals experience extreme levels of depression and, conversely, no wonder so many untreated depression cases end up in divorce court. (A vicious cycle!)
- Neurosis can be treated with psychotherapy. The time to treat any neurosis is before you enter a serious dating relationship.
- Another red flag is that some people are impulsive and want the relationship to proceed much too rapidly. "We have known each other for two weeks, and we think we are great together, so why don't we just go ahead and get married?". Often "hyper-spiritual" people slip into this error. "God brought us together, so we are sure it is his will that we marry now"
- SLOW DOWN, IF THE RELATIONSHIP OS OF PREMIUM QUALITY, IT WILL STILL BE THRIVING ONE YEAR FROM NOW.
- Too fast, too young, too eager- these are all warning red flags that should caution you to slow down and take another look at this relationship.
- Beware of "Boomerang" relationships, in which a person is trying to find the healing that he/she did not receive in the a previous relationship. Too often, the person who has not taken the time to process what went wrong, to accept responsibility for his or her actions and attitudes, and make changes accordingly is destined to repeat the problem all over again.
- Pursue a relationship when ALL the red flags are gone. WHAT A JOY!!!!!!!!
N/B: THE SEA SHOULD BE CALM AND THE SAILING SMOOTH. THEN STEP INTO THE RELATIONSHIP WATERS.
Thanks and always remember that you are blessed!!!!!!!!!
Regards
Kiago
NUGGET 3: THE RED FLAGS
Welcome to our today's nugget. Its a nugget that will boost our preparedness to the most dreaded thing:"Marriage" Let's get the ball rolling!!!!!!
Have you ever been by the ocean on a day when the water is rough and choppy, and the undertow is downright dangerous? The lifeguards post red flags all along the beach, warning people to stay out of the water for their own safety. Anyone foolish enough to go in the water when the red flags are flying does so at their own peril.They are just asking for trouble! The lifeguards will continue to fly the flags until the danger has passed and the sea is calm and safe to enjoy again.
- In the realm of relationships, many people ignore the red warning flags, always at their peril, which often involves a partner's pain as well. The red flags may signify the presence of a number of problems, but most often they warn of character disorders, addiction, or neuroses.
- Addiction is: any behavior that negatively affects your health, work, or primary relationships yet you continue to engage in this behavior.
- Many of those seeking relationships do not know that they need someone who is addiction-free if they hope to have a grate marriage.
- Some people drink too much, eat too much, or eat too little: some are addicted to pornography; others are addicted to nicotine, gambling or prescription drugs. Anyone who marries someone who is addicted to anything is asking for trouble.
- If you see any addictions or other serious emotional problems in the person you intend to relate with; these are red fags. Give it at least an year before you reconsider the relationship so that the red flag can be cured. An alcoholic life is usually in grave danger for a lifetime. Let the addict learn to live an addiction-free life on his/her own, not depending on you. All addictions take time to cure, so don't rush the process.
- Addicts become skilled liars and develop intricate webs of deceit to cover their addictive behavior. Any addict must go through professional counseling .
- A neurotic is a person who suffers excessive anxiety that causes him/her to be incapable of handling the everyday challenges and frustrations of life. When anxiety is too high, he or she easily becomes depressed.
- When a person feels threatened by everyday events or problems the response is often to avoid them, or run from the problem rather than facing them. This leads to more problems. Many times depression is the result of insecurity, anger, guilt, shame, or an experience of loss.
- Many divorced individuals experience extreme levels of depression and, conversely, no wonder so many untreated depression cases end up in divorce court. (A vicious cycle!)
- Neurosis can be treated with psychotherapy. The time to treat any neurosis is before you enter a serious dating relationship.
- Another red flag is that some people are impulsive and want the relationship to proceed much too rapidly. "We have known each other for two weeks, and we think we are great together, so why don't we just go ahead and get married?". Often "hyper-spiritual" people slip into this error. "God brought us together, so we are sure it is his will that we marry now"
- SLOW DOWN, IF THE RELATIONSHIP OS OF PREMIUM QUALITY, IT WILL STILL BE THRIVING ONE YEAR FROM NOW.
- Too fast, too young, too eager- these are all warning red flags that should caution you to slow down and take another look at this relationship.
- Beware of "Boomerang" relationships, in which a person is trying to find the healing that he/she did not receive in the a previous relationship. Too often, the person who has not taken the time to process what went wrong, to accept responsibility for his or her actions and attitudes, and make changes accordingly is destined to repeat the problem all over again.
- Pursue a relationship when ALL the red flags are gone. WHAT A JOY!!!!!!!!
N/B: THE SEA SHOULD BE CALM AND THE SAILING SMOOTH. THEN STEP INTO THE RELATIONSHIP WATERS.
Thanks and always remember that you are blessed!!!!!!!!!
Regards
Kiago
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
THE QUALITY OF YOUR SELF -CONCEPTION
12th July 2011- NUGGET 2: EMOTIONAL HEALTH.
the history of a plane is very important before it is purchased. Its service routine and former mechanical breakdowns reveal of its mechanical soundness. Human beings are not an exception,they need check ups to ascertain their emotional health before their commitment in a relationship. Today we focus on Self-conception(this is how you view yourself). Welcome lets take the 2nd step......
- One great question a person asks counselors during counseling is, "What one word would you give me before I commit". The counselor would without hesitation, "GET YOURSELF HEALTHY BEFORE YOU GET YOURSELF MARRIED"
The health we are talking about here is emotional health.
- If you try to build intimacy with another person before you have done the hard work of getting yourself whole and healthy, all your relationships will become attempts to complete yourself.
- A person who has a good self-conception doesn't depend on any one else to provide validation and meaning for life. He/she is strong enough to face life alone if necessary.
- If you don't feel good about yourself and you don't like being who you are, then do not get into a relationship.
- A healthy person will look you in the eyes while talking with you rather than looking at the floor, their hands or somewhere else around the room. He/she is not defensive or anxious even if she/he disagrees with you. He/she does not control the conversation by talking too much. too fast, too loud. He/ she listens intently as you speak.
- Unusual shyness, feeling of worthlessness inadequacy, or insignificance, boastful behavior,or exhibiting bullying characteristics are signs of poor self-conception.
- Healthy people believe that they are significant, authentic,and a have an attitude of self-giving (are free to give love)
- Be careful with selfish characters
- Please observe these 3 things of healthy persons:
i) He/she will be generous with time, money and other resources
ii) He/she will be truthful almost to a fault because an unselfish person hates to see even a hint of deceit.
iii) She/he will be kind. True love always looks for dignity and well-being of the other person. She/ he seeks to give rather than take.
N/B: The relationship between 2 people can be no healthier than the emotional health of the least healthy person..
This ushers us to a one must read nugget tomorrow.
Blessings
Regards
Kiago
the history of a plane is very important before it is purchased. Its service routine and former mechanical breakdowns reveal of its mechanical soundness. Human beings are not an exception,they need check ups to ascertain their emotional health before their commitment in a relationship. Today we focus on Self-conception(this is how you view yourself). Welcome lets take the 2nd step......
- One great question a person asks counselors during counseling is, "What one word would you give me before I commit". The counselor would without hesitation, "GET YOURSELF HEALTHY BEFORE YOU GET YOURSELF MARRIED"
The health we are talking about here is emotional health.
- If you try to build intimacy with another person before you have done the hard work of getting yourself whole and healthy, all your relationships will become attempts to complete yourself.
- A person who has a good self-conception doesn't depend on any one else to provide validation and meaning for life. He/she is strong enough to face life alone if necessary.
- If you don't feel good about yourself and you don't like being who you are, then do not get into a relationship.
- A healthy person will look you in the eyes while talking with you rather than looking at the floor, their hands or somewhere else around the room. He/she is not defensive or anxious even if she/he disagrees with you. He/she does not control the conversation by talking too much. too fast, too loud. He/ she listens intently as you speak.
- Unusual shyness, feeling of worthlessness inadequacy, or insignificance, boastful behavior,or exhibiting bullying characteristics are signs of poor self-conception.
- Healthy people believe that they are significant, authentic,and a have an attitude of self-giving (are free to give love)
- Be careful with selfish characters
- Please observe these 3 things of healthy persons:
i) He/she will be generous with time, money and other resources
ii) He/she will be truthful almost to a fault because an unselfish person hates to see even a hint of deceit.
iii) She/he will be kind. True love always looks for dignity and well-being of the other person. She/ he seeks to give rather than take.
N/B: The relationship between 2 people can be no healthier than the emotional health of the least healthy person..
This ushers us to a one must read nugget tomorrow.
Blessings
Regards
Kiago
Sunday, July 10, 2011
THE 29 NUGGETS CHECKLIST BEFORE YOU SAY I DO
I am moved by the many many relationships dwindling currently having not survived long after their inception. The Bible says it well; "My people have gone into captivity because of lack of Knowledge" This is a true verdict. If I knew of the 29 nuggets, I would have never made some of the serious mistakes that I have made in life. Whatever the case, I can only improve where appropriate. I am going to write the 29 nuggets to be a blessing to anyone who has not had time to peruse relationships' journals and savor their priceless wisdom. I promise you that after reading the 29 nuggets you cannot evade making informed decisions relationally. Please join me on the 29 days flight to a destination of rest, and relationship bliss.
The nuggets are adopted from a book written by Dr. Neil Clark Warren entitled, "falling in love for right reasons- How to find your soul mate"
We will break the 29 nuggets into 4 classes
1. Screening Dimensions- designed to help you avoid troublemakers and to prevent becoming romantically involved with a problematic person.
2. Core personal Dimensions- these are characteristics in you and your partner that are relatively difficult to alter
3. Necessary skills that can be developed
4. Crucial qualities that can be developed
Lets get started! your soul mate is Waiting!
Day 1 (11th July 2011)
THE SCREENING DIMENSIONS
Consist of 7 nuggets
NUGGET 1 Good Character
- No marriage thrives if one of the partners has bad character. Character means: Integrity , Honesty and Moral uprightness.
- If one of the partners in the relationship lies, cheats, or steals, that bad character will eventually undermine the relationship.
- If you or your partner lies, for instance, the first thing to go in your relationship is TRUST.
- People who willfully and regularly lie, exaggerate, or cheat, have no regard for the rights of others. DON'T BE NAIVE, if he lies to someone else, she/ he will eventually lie to you.
- A person with a character disorder is often a smooth talker, a charmer, a person who knows how to say just the right thing to get what he or she wants. They are takers rather than givers.
- Observe carefully how your partner treats waiters and waitresses at a restaurant. If he or she is short, irrational or disrespectful of someone in a serving capacity, you can be quite sure that the same attitude will one day be aimed at you should you proceed with the relationship.
N/B: Good Character is one of the primary keys to a great relationship!!!!!
See you tomorrow as we walk down the nugget number 2
The nuggets are adopted from a book written by Dr. Neil Clark Warren entitled, "falling in love for right reasons- How to find your soul mate"
We will break the 29 nuggets into 4 classes
1. Screening Dimensions- designed to help you avoid troublemakers and to prevent becoming romantically involved with a problematic person.
2. Core personal Dimensions- these are characteristics in you and your partner that are relatively difficult to alter
3. Necessary skills that can be developed
4. Crucial qualities that can be developed
Lets get started! your soul mate is Waiting!
Day 1 (11th July 2011)
THE SCREENING DIMENSIONS
Consist of 7 nuggets
NUGGET 1 Good Character
- No marriage thrives if one of the partners has bad character. Character means: Integrity , Honesty and Moral uprightness.
- If one of the partners in the relationship lies, cheats, or steals, that bad character will eventually undermine the relationship.
- If you or your partner lies, for instance, the first thing to go in your relationship is TRUST.
- People who willfully and regularly lie, exaggerate, or cheat, have no regard for the rights of others. DON'T BE NAIVE, if he lies to someone else, she/ he will eventually lie to you.
- A person with a character disorder is often a smooth talker, a charmer, a person who knows how to say just the right thing to get what he or she wants. They are takers rather than givers.
- Observe carefully how your partner treats waiters and waitresses at a restaurant. If he or she is short, irrational or disrespectful of someone in a serving capacity, you can be quite sure that the same attitude will one day be aimed at you should you proceed with the relationship.
N/B: Good Character is one of the primary keys to a great relationship!!!!!
See you tomorrow as we walk down the nugget number 2
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)